Archive for April 10th, 2015

April 10, 2015

3 Minute Visions: The Conservative Manifesto, by Michael Fallon

by philapilus

‘Safe Hands’: two of the great things about Michael are that, unlike dangerously unhinged Ed, he used public funds to pay his mortgage, and achieved a drink-driving ban for no less than 18 months!

In this week’s ‘3 Minute Visions’ – our space dedicated to putting the roast-dinner leftovers of news through the blender of analysis, to produce the speedy soup of synopsis – we have asked the brilliant Defence Secretary, Michael Fallon, to talk about the Tories’ election campaign.

I am delighted to be asked to explain our manifesto to you, especially because, unlike Ed Miliband, we would never deliberately destroy our armed forces and hand this country over to the Soviets.

Our pledges to you, the voters, are based on not stabbing people in the back, like Ed does on a daily basis. I can’t tell you how I know this, but not only did he do this to his brother, David, he also stabbed several sick children in the face whilst “visiting” Great Ormond Street!!! (Additionally he

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April 10, 2015

Clarkson frontrunner for new British Museum director

by philapilus

It’s thought that Clarkson will turn the famous round reading room into a motorcycle ‘globe of death’

It has emerged that disgraced Top Gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson, has become the bookies’ favourite for the soon-to-be vacated top job at the British Museum.

Speculation grew after Clarkson pulled out of a scheduled Have I Got News For You appearance, and simultaneously took out some books about pyramids from the children’s section of his local library.

Jeremy’s friend admitted yesterday that “JC just wants a bit of time to brush up on his knowledge of world cultural history. Which is dire.”

Sajid Javid, Minister for

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