British politicians ‘too thick to feed themselves’

by philapilus

“We did a graph”

A groundbreaking study has discovered that many MPs lack the basic intelligence required to open their mouths and put food in.

Research undertaken at the Slough School of Thick found that political success was inversely related to managing-to-feed-yourself success.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, author of the report, said “We began our project some time back, trying to find out why Ed Miliband couldn’t eat a bacon sandwich.

“But we quickly found a very high incidence of correlation between feeding-failure and political involvement, which was confirmed this week when David Cameron required a full seventeen-piece set of silver cutlery to eat a hot dog.”

McEyebrau’s work suggests that the “enormous quantities of ego and bullshitting faculties” necessary to succeed in the political sphere, expand like hot gas inside the head, pushing out basic skills such as eating, walking, and existing in the third dimension.

A No. 10 spokesman said “This report is ridiculous. Of course the Prime Minister knows how to eat the foodstuffs of the poor. Why just this morning he had a “Full Anglo-Saxon Fried Upwards” breakfast in a builder’s cafe, and he achieved a whopping 63% success rate in finding his mouth with the fork.

“And he only threw up once. We completely refute this report.”


Other MPs unable to manage successful public mastication include:

Ed Balls – last year Ed spent four hours pummelling a donut before eating it, because he thought it was making fun of his economic policy

Jacob Rees-Mogg – Jacob has been fed by his nanny since the age of 18 months, and has thus never learned how to hold even a simple ice cream cone

Eric Pickles – unlike other MPs Eric took quickly to food, but whilst he is a naturally gifted eater, he has never been able to work out how to stop

Theresa May -because of her permanently downturned, sour mouth, Theresa can only ingest very, very small amounts of food, administered via syringe between her puckered lips.

The Prime Minister’s required equipment for tucking into a packet of Twiglets


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