Everyone wishing Jesus had stayed dead a bit longer

by philapilus

If only Jesus had stayed in his magical cocoon for a few more days…

There have been reports of considerable anger and bad-feeling in workplaces across the country this morning, as Britain returned to work after the long Easter weekend, and agreed that the Messiah should have provided for at least another couple of days off.

Mike Ock, hungover in Brighton, said “What I don’t get, right, is Jesus was God, yeah? He could do anything. So why couldn’t he just play dead for a bit longer, get some kip in, and extend the whole Easter break by a couple of days?

“I was just getting into my drinking stride, and now I’m back at my sodding desk.”

Wendy Nailinthehead from Reading added “I am not saying crucifixion is fun or easy, but getting a Friday and Monday off, then suddenly having to go back on a Tuesday, is the real torture here.

“At first it feels like you’ve got loads of time, but then before you know it the holiday’s over, and you’re staring grimly at your ugly, bitching colleagues again.”

Religious professionals however chastised the largely non-Church attending public for its ‘faith-tourism’, insisting that Easter is not about a bit of extra time to sit around in your pants drinking beer, or working up the enthusiasm to offer your spouse an excuse for why you can’t possibly mow the lawn.

Reverend Willy Stroker said “The real message of Easter is about God loving the world so much that he condemned us all to hellfire, but then sort of committed suicide for us instead, but he didn’t like not being alive, so he sort of rose from the dead, but not as a ghost – although a different bit of God is a ghost – but the bit that rose again was more like a sort of zombie. But less bitey.

“To be honest, Jesus actually stayed dead for seven days, but there’s no way I’m telling my congregation that, or I’ll have to give services every bloody day for a week. They’re all insufferable dicks.”

 

 

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