Archive for April, 2015

April 30, 2015

“Me daily diary-wiary!!” by Russell Brand

by philapilus

ME! MEEE! MEEEEEE!! Why do me fans fink it’s all about MEEEEEEEE?!?!?!

‘ere, you’ll never guess wot! Your ‘umble meself only went and got Ed Miliband to come on me show and ‘ave a pow-wow about all politics an’ that!

If you wanna know the really important stuff wot’s gonna change our perfidious political paradigm, look no further than me Trews, mates! But ‘eres a breakdown of it, just for all you lovelies out there.

So I was all like ‘Well, Ed, all you politicians is well greedy, taking all the wonga wot the rest of us ain’t

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April 30, 2015

Farage to enlist UK Gold and Granada Television in war against BBC

by philapilus

The Beeb will rue the day it went up against a highly polished organisation like Ukip…

Ukip has said that it will completely bypass the BBC, and communicate only via TV channels embracing “traditional British values”, for the remainder of its election campaign.

The party announced its war on the BBC after Nigel Farage took offence at a dig made against him on its flagship satirical show, Have I got News For You.

Ukip spokeswoman, Gina Flange, said “I think it’s disgraceful that a BBC documentary programme

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April 30, 2015

Wanker of the Week: Danny Alexander

by philapilus

Nominated by:

Albert Einstein

Nominated for:

“Vote for us if you don’t want the Tories to get in again, but you don’t mind us helping them get in again!”

Danny has today attempted to launch an offensive against his coalition partners, with all the acumen of a five year old telling tales in school. Basically he’s waving around a piece of paper from 3 years ago,which he says he’s only just found, and which proves definitively that the Conservatives are massive bastards who are

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April 29, 2015

TfL boss forced to withdraw apology to Southeastern

by philapilus

“NOOOOO!!! PLEASE GOD NOOOOOOOOO!!”

Sir Peter Hendy has been ordered to withdraw his apology to Southeastern trains, after a court ruled that saying the company wasn’t completely awful constituted an attempt to mislead consumers.

Sir Peter, who called the operator ‘shit’ two weeks ago, subsequently apologised and retracted the comment, saying “I am truly sorry for my unfounded judgement. Let me be clear; Southeastern are not remotely shit”.

But after issuing this apology he was immediately prosecuted under The Trades Description Act, which

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April 28, 2015

RAF to buy Spitfire as riposte to Russian display of might

by philapilus

This is probably fine, right? Nothing to worry about?

As Russia prepares for the world’s biggest ever military parade, the RAF has announced its intention to purchase a renovated WW2 Spitfire, in a retaliatory show of force.

Whilst Russia’s WW2 celebratory parade will showcase new tanks, ICBM missiles, devices for torturing Ukrainians, and hundreds of T-1000 terminators, Britain will be saving really hard to bolster its own arsenal with a 70-year old plane made of aluminium.

An MoD spokesman said “The RAF – like all our armed services – has

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April 27, 2015

John Major wins 2015 London Marathon

by philapilus

Major said to journalists this morning he’d had so much fun on Sunday that he was not ruling out competing in marathons all around the world.

Sir John Major said he was “Surprised but delighted” after finishing the London Marathon in world record time, streets ahead of the competition.

The ex-Prime Minister’s time of 1:58:59 smashed previous records, making him the first person to run a sub-2 hours marathon – and with a whole minute to spare.

Runner-up Eliud Kipchoga’s 2:04:42 looked positively pedestrian by comparison. The Kenyan runner said

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April 24, 2015

Thousands take to streets, begging HSBC not to leave UK

by philapilus

“Maybe tomorrow we’ll wanna settle down; until tomorrow we’ll just keep movin’ on”

The country has been flooded with grief today, after the announcement by beloved bank HSBC that it was looking into relocating away from the UK.

The mass outpouring of sadness resulted in demonstrations across the capital, with members of the public donning sackcloth and ashes, and flagellating themselves, as they wept and pleaded with the bank to stay.

Mourner Tim Twanks sobbed “I’ve been

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April 24, 2015

Holborn area of Central London not even trying anymore

by philapilus

This aerial shot of London at night shows how the area known colloquially as ‘Black Hole-born’ is gradually causing the collapse of the wider city around it.

It has become apparent that everyone and everything in the Holborn area of central London no longer cares in the slightest, and is getting ever closer to complete collapse.

After several weeks of calamities- including hellfire spouting from the very streets, buildings falling down, transport services giving up completely, and the fucking awful new Tottenham Court Road station – everyone has agreed that there’s no point bothering anymore.

TFL spokesman, Percy Spoke, said “The whole of the city is gradually crumbling, and we aren’t even trying to provide a proper service now. If you

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April 22, 2015

Paris Hilton “unaffected” by chihuahua’s death

by philapilus

“I’m just going to dump it in this fucking hedge here”

Paris Hilton has said she is “not remotely bothered” after the death of her 14 year old chihuahua, Tinkerbell, saying to reporters “why should I be? It’s just a fucking dog.”

Hilton, a famous and robust sex mannequin, who has survived numerous porkings, added “If I mourn the loss of any of my lifestyle accessories, it is that fucking earring I dropped down the loo four years ago in the toilets at Burger King. They were made of solid gold, and frozen semen dyed pink.

“I’m certainly not cut up over some yappy little thing that I had to get one of my assistants to clean up after every time it shat.”

Hilton, who has

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April 22, 2015

New Zealand PM told ‘pulling hair isn’t foreplay’

by philapilus

“Sorry, sorry; tell me again, last time I promise. It’s just really hard to remember. Does no mean yes, or does yes mean no?”

The Prime Minister of New Zealand, John Key, has been sternly reminded today that he isn’t 9 years old, and asked to refrain from pulling the hair of girls he fancies.

Key has had to formally apologise to a waitress whose ponytail he has been habitually pulling for months. Witnesses said however that his contrition was slightly ruined by his subsequent request to grope the waitress’s boobs, by way of making it up to her.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said “Mr Key does not consider a bit of light ponytail-tugging to be abusive, any more than a quick slap on the bum would be. It’s

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