Katie Hopkins joins Labour campaign with pledge to leave UK

by philapilus

Hopkins is the only female journalist whose existence was prophesied in the Book of Revelation: “Yea, and forth shall come a right bitch who will be unto you as a shard of broken glass through thine eyeballs, and a grating noise of horror in thine ears. And ye shall despair.”

Official Mouthpiece of Satan, Katie Hopkins, has unexpectedly joined forces with Ed Miliband, promising the UK that she will “fuck off forever and leave you all alone, if you promise to vote for Labour”.

Taking to Twitter, the professional harridan said “I guarantee that if Ed becomes PM I will leave this country and never come back. I might even get a surgeon to fuse my jaws together and cut off my typing finger, if you’re lucky.”

Labour spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “When Katie’s agent told us she was going to ‘help us’ we thought we were fucked. Just the thought of her arriving at Labour HQ had volunteers jumping ship in their droves.”

But the panic ended after Hopkins made clear her intention to shut the hell up and go away if the tories lost.

Conservative chairman Grant Shapps said “Frankly it’s worth losing the election to get rid of that ghastly witch. I think we’re just going to pull out and let Ed win unopposed.”

 

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