UK to start again with single-celled organisms

by philapilus

When evolution reaches this stage it is time to prime the machines

It has been agreed that all so-called intelligent life within the UK is to be eradicated imminently, leaving the land barren and void in the hope that something better than us might eventually evolve.

Scientific and military authorities were given the go-ahead, after the news that judges are being fired in their droves for looking at porn on work computers, that police and MPs covered up endemic paedophilia within their ranks, and that Oliver Letwin still hasn’t yet fucked off.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough College of the Apocalypse said “For month after month Britain has just been subjected to an unending diarrhoeic stream of awfulness, at every level of society, culture, and government.

“It is time to push the button.”

Mass eradication will begin in Telford, whose population are so cuntishly evil that they gathered together to chant ‘jump’ at a man on a ledge, until he plummeted to a suicidal death.

Once they have been rendered down into ash and little congealing pools of gunk, the remains will be fired into the heart of the sun, which McEyebrau says “is the only way we can be certain that not a single strand of DNA will survive.”

The mechanised destruction of all life within the UK will then begin, a process that should take some fifteen minutes or so, after which a small culture of amoebas will be deposited in a pond by a robot.

The amoebas will be left a Snickers bar, a note wishing them good luck, and instructions in every known language and sign-system to warn them against ever evolving a Conservative party.

Archaeologist Mike Ock said “The sad thing is that all this appears to have happened before – many, many times.

“But somehow Bruce Forsyth manages to evade each extinction event by hiding in a cave. Then he just waits for the microorganisms to reach the ‘TV show’ stage, before coming out.”

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