Drunks pretending it’s a ‘one-off’ for St Patrick’s Day

by philapilus


Inveterate alcoholics across the UK held their heads up high this morning, and said that the only reason they were completely pissed before 7AM was because of a deep connection to their Irish roots.

The National Association of Heavy Drinkers insisted that getting rat-arsed on St Patrick’s Day is “as culturally significant and religiously important as ganja is to Rastafarians, or children are to Catholics.”

Tim Twanks, who drinks a can of K cider before work every day, arrived at the bus-stop as usual, but instead of shuffling in shame and self-loathing, greeted commuters with a smile, loud incoherent babble, and a slurred rendition of Enya’s ‘Orinoco Flow’.

Fellow passenger Wendy Nailinthehead said “It would have been OK if he knew any of the words other than ‘Sail Away’. Then he started a medley of U2 songs, and kept it up for half an hour, until he got in a fight with the driver because he was smoking.

“He kept saying cigarettes on buses were legal on St Patrick’s Day, and refused to stop, until eventually he got kicked off. Which was great for the rest of us, because we could return to the normal commuter-mode of dead-eyed silence and barely-concealed mutual hatred.”

Twanks said “Wurl, iss agains’ my rights prob’ly. Who doesusn’t like a lil’ drinink on St Hattrick day? The revolution will not be telelevised! The revolution will not be televised! The revolu- ashully, y’know what, it prob’ly will now…”

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