Millions back Clarkson in campaign for ‘freedom of violence’

by philapilus

“I am saddened by this infringement of my human rights” said Jeremy

Across the world this week millions of people have signed a petition in support of Jeremy Clarkson’s crusade for the right to punch colleagues in the workplace.

Having been villified, censured and suspended by the BBC, simply for gently attacking a co-worker, Jeremy ‘Jesus’ Clarkson has become the spearhead of a movement which aims to protect core human rights.

This morning Mr Clarkson said “If we let them stop us from punching each other in the head today, then tomorrow they’ll be telling us not to use racial slurs, and locking us up for minor drink-drive manslaughters.

“This is the thin edge of the wedge. If ‘paki’ and ‘jungle-bunny’ were good enough for our parents, then they’re good enough for me. And if running down woodland creatures in my Landrover, whilst driving through the night to bury the corpse of a hooker I’ve strangled, is somehow ‘wrong’, then sue me. Because I believe in free speech, free petrol, and freedom. Who’s with me?”

The BBC claims that a brief suspension for assault is a relatively minor punishment, and that it should be able to discipline its own employees. The broadcaster even suggested that the workplace is not the right environment for corporal punishment.

But Clarkson fan Wendy Nailinthehead, who started the now-global petition, said “It’s clear that Jeremy did the right thing. He’s been my moral compass for years, ever since I fell on my head and stopped being able to understand Piers Morgan’s long words.

“Jeremy’s simpler message of driving, cars, speed and driving, reaches to the heart of the human condition. God bless his lovely big potato-shaped head.”

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