Red Setter “killed himself to escape nightmare of dog shows”

by philapilus

Designed by nature to run around covered in shit and slobber. Brushing not required.

It has emerged today that the poisoned meat which killed an Irish setter at dog show Crufts was self-administered.

Cries of foul play followed the death of Thendara Satisfaction (aka Jagger), with an abundance of conspiracy theories already well-developed in time for the papers this morning.

But the discovery of a suicide note, left by the dog has turned the murder enquiry on its head.

In the note Jagger says “The darkness has welled up in my mind, and the sheer horror of my meaningless existence, buffeted by the fart-like winds of capricious human folly, has at last done for my spirit.

“This evil place, this ‘Crufts’, has crushed any hope I still might have entertained about you people not being utter fuckwits who deserve to be wiped out.

“Some moron has actually just examined and graded the quality of my fur, using a sodding magnifying glass. What kind of morbid, shallow excuses for consciousness lurk in the empty skulls of these freaks?

“It’s all too much. Goodbye cruel world.”

PC McGarry No.452 of the Met’s Animal Deaths department said “I thought the suicide note might be a ruse, like the time when Eric Pickles’s little Scotty Dog supposedly ‘crushed himself under a falling cupboard.’

“But the paw-writing checks out, and in any case, if I was a dog at crufts, I’d definitely kill myself too.

“Please remember; if you must keep a fur-covered actual animal inside your house, then please – as well as picking up its shit and feeding it enough meat to create a carbon footprint equivalent to running a land rover – please avoid taking it anywhere where it might run into the warped dregs of humanity, like Crufts. Or Birmingham.”

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