Prince William in China to meet new masters

by philapilus

Proudly fluttering above Windsor Castle as of right now, says the Express

The Duke of Cambridge arrived in China yesterday for a state visit in which he will be promoting British values, championing wildlife causes, and generally getting to know Britain’s future rulers.

Prince William is the first British Royal to visit the country for almost three decades, and will be the first to place a ceremonial kiss on the buttocks of President Xi Jinping.

The Prince said “Gosh I’m just sooo super-chuffed to be here, yah, it’s just rally super to be able to work with the Chinese on saving the elephants. And of course to meet the President, and I’m rally excited about, you know kissing his arse.”

In the event Xi Jinping was too busy cutting his toenails to meet the Prince, and the Duke instead kissed the backside of the assistant to the deputy secretary of the President’s junior advisor.

The Foreign Office insists that this was not a snub however, pointing out that the assistant to the deputy secretary of the President’s junior advisor was actually a very important man, who would personally be in charge of Swindon when the Chinese own the UK wholesale.

The Royal family have been undergoing ‘adapting to new management’ training in preparation, which has included teaching basic Mandarin to the Queen, showing Camilla how to use chopsticks, and encasing Prince Phillip’s mouth and voicebox in a solid steel ‘chastity’ mask.

Meanwhile the Duke of Cambridge’s tour begins in earnest today, and he will appear on Chinese state television later to apologise for any offence the UK has caused China, including annexing Hong Kong, and the 19th century Opium Wars.

Prince William will also present a note written by his grandfather, which says ‘Me so solly for sritty-eye joke. You yerrow men all velly nice.’

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