CAGE sways Mail over ‘nice guy’ Jihadi John

by philapilus
File:Seeboden Treffling Burg Sommeregg Foltermuseum Guillotine 24082007 31.jpg

The mass beheadings that characterised the French Revolution started because a palace guard gave Robespierre a wedgie, and then flicked his earlobe – FIVE TIMES

The Daily Mail said it has “changed its editorial view” of Mohammed Emwazi, the terrorist known as Jihadi John, after reviewing the press conference held last week by advocacy group, CAGE.

The Islamic State militant was the subject of a tribute by CAGE director, Asim Qureshi, who praised Emwazi’s “Beauty, gentleness, softness, lovingness, kindness, sexiness, impressive trouser-snake, skill with a blade, and come-to-bed eyes.”

Mail editor Paul Dacre said today “The editorial team have watched the recording, and we were all really moved. Especially when Qureshi started crying because of how poor Jihadi John had been forced – utterly against his own will – into beheading people because of the fact that we’ve got policemen, or something.

“Quite a few of us are actually considering converting to Islam.”

The normally batshit-bellicose newspaper tweeted this afternoon “Watched Qureshi (CAGE) again; we’ve now decided that JJ is OK by us. Soz for the aggro b4. Love and kisses. DM.”

Intelligence services spokesperson, Sir Percival Spoke, said “We’re not very nice people. Of course we’re not. But this man is a psychotic bastard. If everyone we unlawfully rough-housed started decapitating people, pretty much everyone in the country would be short to the tune of one head, by now. His was not the reaction of a sane, normal person.”

But Mail reader Wendy Nailinthehead said “Until today I thought Jihadi John was a right c*nt. But now I’m  thinking; someone gave birth to him, someone loved him, someone one day might be his child. He’s just another lost soul in this wicked modern world. He’s not so different from any of the rest of us.

“Just a bit more, you know, ‘behead-y’.”

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