Malcolm Rifkind’s diary

by philapilus

“What’s a salary?”



Sat down to breakfast, papers say Jack Straw’s got himself into hot water; seems he offered to accept cash for questions! Haha! Idiot!


Finished my egg, looked a bit more closely at article and noticed they’re accusing me too! That bloody Chink firm I spoke with; I knew something didn’t add up when the representative’s fake nose fell off. Well, if the public think I’m stepping down over this, or referring myself to baying watchdogs, they’ve got another think coming!


Just spoke to Chief Whip. Decided after careful reflection to refer myself to Parliamentary Standards watchdog.

(handed wife invoice for £5k, for spending breakfast time together. Didn’t look impressed. Pointed out this is at the very low end of what I charge.)




No breakfast on table this morning. Odd…

Think I’ve got press by short and curlies though! Libel. They’re saying I “claimed” I don’t get a salary. Well, I don’t! Take that, Telegraph!!


Just got off phone with solicitor. Apparently as an MP I do get a salary. He said “Where did you think that 70 grand was coming from every year?” Explained I don’t keep track of my small change. Uppity little fuck.


Press calling for me to resign Intelligence and Security Commission. Ha! Dream on! As if I’m going to even consider it!


Letter from PM: hopes I’m “going to do the right thing”. Immediately wrote back assuring him he needn’t worry; I’m not going anywhere!


Another note from PM. Just says “Not what I meant, Malcolm.”

Most confusing…




Edith says she won’t fetch me breakfast unless I stop sending her invoices “every bloody day”. Impossible woman. Tried to pour own cornflakes, burnt them. Not as easy as it looks.


Gave postman invoice for opening door to him. Extended his middle finger. Wonder if that’s some sort of sign of agreement amongst the lower classes?


Message from PM. I’m to go to No. 10 “Immediately”. Excellent! We can strategise. Have decided to write open letter titled “I shall not be moved.”


Odd meeting. David said “Time to do the honourable thing”. Came back and told everyone in the office I’m honourably staying put. DC rang five minutes later and said “The other honourable thing”. What could he mean???


Another phonecall with DC.

Bit clearer.

Have made independent decision to stand down as MP and security committee chair. Unrelated to public pressure, obviously.

(Memo: Must send DC an invoice.)

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