Boris to be even more British

by unpseudable

Boris’ inability to whistle the Star-Spangled Banner reveals where his loyalties lie

With the news this week that Boris Johnson plans to approach the US ambassador with the intention of relinquishing his American citizenship, reports are coming in that Matthew Barzun, the ambassador himself, has beaten the capital’s mayor to it.

Barzun yesterday announced that he would contact Johnson personally to fast-track his application.  “I only just heard about this to be honest.  I tend to ignore pretty much everything Boris says as a matter of course, obviously, but eventually an aide brought it to my attention.  Apparently he believes the process to be unnecessarily laborious – that we just don’t make it easy enough.  Well, that won’t do.  I’m going to contact the mayor this very instant and guide him through the business.  We could get rid of- get it resolved by the end of the week.”

Johnson made a statement earlier today confirming that he has indeed already been contacted by the ambassador.  “Fine chap, yes, fine chap indeed, that Mark, was it?  Mark Wassisname.  Said I needn’t worry about the err… wajamacallem… forms!  That’s it!  The forms that I need to fill in – no, he says I just need to send him my old passport thingummy and he’ll sort out the paperwork personally.  Says I’ll be un-American, as it were, before I can say Jim… James… that chap with the hat… Johnny Depp… Before I can say Johnny Depp – no, Jack!  That’s the fellow.  Jack Sparrow?  Not Rawlinson was it?  Knew a chap called Jack Rawlinson once, back in school.  Terrific bloke – marvellous scrum-half he was – fine cricketer.  What was the question again?”

Londoners were said to be ‘slightly upset’ by the news.  Professional Londoner, Primrose Hill, said, “Well, it looks like this means he’s here to stay.  But at least – at least – he won’t be eligible to run for the US Presidency.  That’s something, isn’t it?  Isn’t it?”

In other, unconnected, news, word has just emerged from Washington that a new celebratory public holiday is planned, tentatively named, coincidentally, Matthew Barzun Day.

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