Conservative auction offers fox-hunting, polo and peasant-throttling

by philapilus

He just opens his articulated jaw like a snake and then swallows the cow whole

A Conservative party fundraiser has helped swell the election campaign coffers, with a range of auction lots offering bidders the opportunity to spend time with senior tory figures, engaging in their everyday activities.

Party chairman Grant Shapps said “It really was a brilliant and very worthwhile event, with bidders going up against each other for the chance to chillax with some of our brightest stars.

“Whether it was fox-hunting with William Hague, strangling commoners with Theresa May, or setting fire to money whilst laughing maniacally with George Osborne, the lots were all brilliant, and all were snapped up.

“People say this country is going to the dogs, but I ask you; how can it be, when literally tens of people will bid for an hour polishing Iain Duncan Smith’s head? If that doesn’t show how great Great Britain is, I don’t know what does.”

Other lots included:

  • Butler-baiting with Boris Johnson*
  • Releasing the Ebola virus into low-income neighbourhoods with Jeremy Hunt
  • Watching Eric Pickles eat an entire cow
  • Shooting gypsies with Michael Fallon
  • Helping Justine Greening beat little Nick Clegg with a piece of rubber hose
  • Wanking into a pair of Louise Mench’s old knickers with Oliver Letwin

A Number 10 spokesman said “This auction gave ordinary Middle Englanders – provided they have a few quid and vote the right way – the chance to spend some relaxing time with political giants, enjoying commonplace tory pastimes, in the comfort of their own mansions.”

Sources claim that Ed Miliband is planning his own counter-auction, with great activities on offer, such as licking and sealing 100,000 envelopes with Alan Johnson, brainstorming policy with Ed himself, and writing the Labour leader’s defeat speech, ready for May.

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*A game that involves ringing for one’s butler, then when he arrives pretending you haven’t rung for him, then when he goes away, ringing for him again, and so on continuously, until either the clapper falls out of your bell, or his knees give way.

 

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