Cameron pledges UK-wide pay rise will exclude entire public sector

by philapilus

“No.”

David Cameron is today calling on the British Chamber of Commerce to give staff a pay rise, whilst promising public sector workers will continue to live in penury “because it makes me chuckle.”

The Prime Minister is using the BCC annual conference as a platform to unveil a new policy-drive, which aims to ensure that prosperity will not be passed on to state employees, in case they start to get ideas.

Mr Cameron said “Britain is working hard, and deserves to be rewarded. But that’s just a suggestion – do whatever you want. As for the massive workforce under my remit, I won’t be giving anyone a fucking penny, personally.”

Mike Ock, BCC spokesman, said this morning “I think he’s hoping that if he just keeps refusing to give the public sector any money, they’ll starve, which will cut public spending, which will in turn balance the books.

“We were thinking that if we avoided paying our workforces and keep them all on zero-hours, then they’d starve, and we could just outsource everything to China for 10% of the cost, then fill our pockets with government contracts.

“Now it looks like no one here will have any money, or jobs. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I can’t remember.”

Nurse Susan Glummer said “With the vast increase in standard of living costs, and the public sector payfreeze entering it’s 9th decade, I actually have negative earnings now, so a payrise would be dreadful. Presumably I would have to give them even more money for letting me come to work.”

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