Mugging victim pledges donation for the bounty-killing of his assailant

by philapilus


Esther Ranzen donated this can of petrol, for dousing the mugger’s body, before its cremation in a ditch

A disabled pensioner who was mugged outside his own home has said he is “overwhelmed and speechless” after receiving £300k in donations, and has pledged to use the money to put a bounty on the head of his mugger.

The story of Tim Twanks, who was punched to the ground and violently robbed, was published in a local newspaper, in whatever ghastly bit of the North he lives in – where it caught the eye of local fishwife, Wendy Nailinthehead.

Nailinthehead began an online appeal for Mr Twanks, and ordinary, lovable members of the big-hearted British public donated hundreds of thousands of pounds for the impoverished pensioner.

Mr Twanks said today “I was so moved that all these strangers wanted to help me. I cried on meeting generous young Wendy. She cried too. Then I cried some more. Then we held hands and cried together.

“Through her tears Wendy said ‘What will you do with the cash Tim?’ And through mine I replied ‘Wendy, I am going to put a fucking price on the head of that greedy little fucker, and I am going to watch this country tear him apart.”

Twanks was praised in the Daily Mail, who applauded his courage, saying “Finally someone has the guts to stand up and say enough is enough, my home is my castle, for this; you fucking burn.”

The sentiment was echoed in the Express and the Sun. The bounty was even cautiously condoned by the Times, who decided “It would be OK, just this once.”

The biggest support however came from the Guardian, where George Monbiot, who has finally snapped, said he “Couldn’t fucking wait to see the body hanging from a lamp-post. Although being a Northern lamp-post, it will probably have had the bulb smashed out by a hooligan with a chain.”

Miss Nailinthehead said “I suppose I am a bit surprised Tim’s used the charitable donation to order a revenge-killing. But then, I’ve never had my wallet nicked, so who am I to judge?”

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