Tesco apologises for ‘kill the poor’ strategy

by philapilus

“Now with no added strychnine”

Tesco has apologised to customers, after it was discovered that the supermarket giant was attempting to whittle down the working class by lacing its own-brand range with poison.

The facts surfaced after the company’s own-brand blackcurrant and apple squash was reported by consumers to have “a smell like the overflowing latrines of hell itself.”

Spokesperson Percy Spoke said “We would like to formally apologise that the poison in our range for the poor was discovered. We were made certain promises about non-detectability, which turned out to be incorrect. We promise that no one will successfully discover poison in our chav-food again.

“I can confirm that all of our products containing poison have been withdrawn from sale, and have definitely not been donated to foodbanks.”

Tom Buggerd, from Yewlby, Shatton, Buggerd and Pisston, said “Happily our client Tesco will not face punitive action, because we threatened that if they were prosecuted we’d reveal the name of the chancellor who asked them to do it.

“Happy days.”

Unemployed unemployment advisor, Tim Twanks, said “I don’t want to buy food from the cheap, disgusting range supermarkets do. I just have no sodding money. The economic miracle that is the UK’s recovery seems not to have got to me yet. Or indeed most of the rest of the country.

“Still, it’s nice to see tax cuts for the wealthy, because they’ve had a hell of a time of it.”

 

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