Religious leaders ask Cameron to explain relevance of MPs to Britain

by philapilus

Eric arriving at a press conference on his giant black moth

Senior religious figures have written an open letter to the Prime Minister, asking “how the complete fuckwits composing the political class can possibly be seen as contributing to British identity.”

The letter follows one written to Muslim leaders by Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, (once favourably described as ‘like the bloated turd that inevitably blocks the only toilet at a house party’). In his letter, Pickles asked Muslims to explain why rabid xenophobic Britons shouldn’t be allowed to just beat the shit out of them.

Imam Abdul Iqbal said “I thought long and hard about the ways that Muslims contribute to British national identity. In order to do this I spent quite a long time considering what British national identity is.

“And the more I thought about it, the more I realised that mostly Britain is not about venal, grubby shits wasting billions of public money through incompetence, whilst grabbing as much illicit cash as they can for themselves and their friends.”

Mr Iqbal approached the Archbishop of Canterbury, to see what the Cof E’s position was on the matter. Archbishop Welby said “Immediately we realised we were in complete agreement. Britishness is, on the whole, not best encapsulated by an unbelievably immoral minority of arseholes, whose hypocrisy would make Satan blush.”

After gathering opinions and support from other faiths, a joint letter was sent, in which religious leaders asked whether a political coterie of fuckwits who couldn’t organise a shag in a brothel were “actually contributing anything to Britain”.

The letter also asserted that a squabbling triad of indistinguishable parties, mostly composed of rich white men, could be seen as being slightly unrepresentative of one of the most successfully liberal and multicultural societies in the world (discounting Essex, obviously).

Tim Twanks, a Very Ordinary man, said “I am not a fan of religion. I’m quite capable of not killing someone all by myself, without having to be told not to by an imaginary, magical friend.

“But when a bunch of utter wankers like the tories start puffing themselves up and claiming to ‘Speak for Britain’, I have to admit, the desire to murder does sort of begin to rise.”

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