Party leaders outline policies based on personal lives

by philapilus

“I’ve won! I’ve won!”

In an unusually transparent move the three main political parties are announcing new policy pushes today, all of which are tailored specifically to the individual needs of their parties.

David Cameron has insisted on the importance of full-employment, in a bid to retain the Government jobs currently occupied by his MPs. The prime minister said “Our top priority is rewarding the hardworking, entrepreneurial men and women of this party, and allowing them to create wealth through the judicious use of Parliamentary expenses on necessities like duck houses and well-covers.

“I want to see a Britain where no tory MP is reliant on the caprices of the nannying, democratic process, and my aspiration is for a permanent Conservative government. Who will create the jobs our economy needs, if not my esteemed party members, graciously employing their spouses or siblings with state funding?”

Labour have taken a rather different tack, and are pledging support for the many mentally ill Labour MPs, suffering under the delusion that they have a chance of winning the General Election.

The UK’s beleagured mental health services have been inundated with psychotically-disturbed members of the shadow cabinet, most of whom are said to be “laughing maniacally, and waving pieces of used loo-roll which they claim are new policy-papers.”

An aide to Mr Miliband said “Ed himself is just sitting in the corner of his room, rocking backwards and forwards whilst rehearsing victory speeches. Occasionally he’ll take a break to scrawl ‘Ed Miliband, Prime Minister’ over the walls hundreds upon thousands of times.

“Won’t somebody please help him?”

Meanwhile Nick Clegg has revealed a new Liberal Democrat policy drive to try and reduce the number of suicides amongst the depressed and helpless.

A party spokesperson said “Yeah, I’m not sure I really need to explain that one any further, do I?”

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