Pope continues magnificent ‘wave but don’t make waves’ campaign

by philapilus

Pope Francis has continued to highlight the plight of the poor and needy by visiting the Philippines and saying what a bad thing inequality is, whilst sitting in the relative isolation of a bullet-proof car.

The Pope insisted that the best way to defeat poverty is to be pictured smiling and waving at people in threadbare clothes, whilst offering non-specific platitudes about the wealthy that stop short of actually ticking them off per se.

Taking a break from punching his aide, Alberto Gasparri, the Holy Father said “Some people say that I should use my enormous wealth, power and influence, to point at greedy bastards and say ‘That man, there! That Fred Goodwin! Rob that sack of shit of every penny he has!’

“Others say, more moderately, that I should be like Christ and march right up to the moneylenders and kick over their stalls.

“But I like to think of myself as leading more by non-specific example, rather than actually attempting to do anything. That would be too worldly, and not very Popey at all. Also, it might make rich people cross, and those collection plates don’t just magically fill themselves you know!”

Ordinary Filippinos lined the streets cheering and waving for Pope Francis, who promised that “Although things are pretty shit right now, you can all go to a special magic place when you die, as long as you’re very good boys and girls, OK?”

The Pope also informed journalists that free speech is “a nice idea” provided you don’t upset anyone’s invisible friends.

Then he said goodbye, and sat down for a bit of a rest, at which point a gathering of Cardinals carefully wrapped his hands in the special, traditional gold chains, which signify that there’s really nothing more he can do.

Catholic person Tim Twanks said “I know it might look a bit, well, lazy. Even Russell Brand goes on marches and stuff. But the Pope has a whole church to run!

“Look, for very important religious reasons, the church needs lots of our money, so that it can apportion it fairly around the world, whilst keeping however much it likes to look after its massive financial interests.

“That’s standard for any charity, surely?”


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