Tory MPs ordered to play Candy Crush

by philapilus

Hours of fun for Hurd and Whitelaw

It has emerged that MP Nigel Mills, who was caught playing Candy Crush Saga during a committee session, was simply obeying party instructions.

Conservative party chairman Grant Shapps confirmed he had told Mr Mills to play Candy Crush throughout the Work and Pensions hearing “to keep him from doing any real damage.”

Nigel Mills said “I have been told to spend all my Commons sessions either playing games on my phone, nodding off, or seeing if I can pull pubes out of my balls through my pocket.

“It’s the best way really. Who knows what the fuck I’d do if I actually took part in proceedings? Probably make a right mess of it.”

Mr Mills is not the only MP to engage in diversionary activity on his party’s orders.

A Whitehall insider said “From 1997-2007 John Prescott spent his entire Deputy Premiership playing Tetris.

“Furthermore the complete disaster that has engulfed the Liberal Democrat party is entirely attributable to Nick Clegg’s refusal to just read a book, instead of opening his stupid fucking mouth.”

Some sources have claimed as many as 70% of all MPs spend their time playing games, and as many as 20% are under strict instructions never to speak at all.


Other MPs refraining from overt political activity over the years include:

  • Sir Peter Tapsell: only allowed to speak on the proviso no-one can understand what he says.
  • George Galloway: ordered to sit in solitary confinement whenever in Westminster.
  • Benjamin Disraeli: spent most of his time in the House unsuccessfully trying to fly a kite on the breeze coming through the windows.
  • Robin Cook: operated a small marionette called ‘Chicken Stevens’ during committee meetings
  • Ann Widdecombe: used a love egg throughout the 1980s to reduce the amount of time she spent using that horrible, horrible voice
  • Douglas Hurd and Willie Whitelaw: played ‘Pass the Pigs’ in the space on the front bench vacated by Margaret Thatcher whenever she stood up at the Despatch box.





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