Archive for December, 2014

December 29, 2014

Everyone desperate to see online montage of your 2014

by philapilus

“You’re so brilliantly whacky!” said no one, ever

Everybody you know is clamoring for a social media-based precis of your year, it emerged today.

As millions of people used formulaic Facebook apps, such as quirky pretend newspapers, to provide a lazy potted history of their year, everyone said that really they couldn’t be happy until they had seen yours as well.

Public appetite has risen sharply since last year’s montage, consisting of a bunch of photos of you in the pub, on holiday, or paralytic at that wedding, moments before you

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December 23, 2014

Men to leave present wrapping till the last minute again

by philapilus

Seriously, again?

Men across the UK have insisted that they are on top of their Christmas preparations this year, and that some, if not all, of the gifts they bought from a garage forecourt might even get wrapped up.

They have added however that they can’t do it just yet, because there’s something good on BBC 3.

Tim Twanks, a man, said “Being a lazily-drawn male caricature, like every other

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December 23, 2014

North Korea temporarily unable to access Kim Jong-un pictures

by philapilus

Coping without the famous Putin vs Kim Jong-il dance-off video has been particularly gruelling

North Korean internet ground to a halt yesterday and the country remained offline for nearly ten hours, causing severe disruption to citizens’ enjoyment of articles about Kim Jong-un.

The secretive country has a vibrant and growing internet culture, consisting entirely of websites featuring the Dear Leader posing with cats, ‘FAIL’ Gifs of service personnel pratfalling in front of him, and ripped-off adult films in which his chubby little face is poorly super-imposed over Peter North’s.

As the row over the Sony cyber-attack deepens, many commentators have suggested the

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December 17, 2014

1st female bishop appointed, then shown where the kettle is

by philapilus

Contemplating the shared locker-room arrangements

Vicar Reverend Libby Lane, the Church of England’s first female bishop, has today been welcomed to the job by the Archbishop of Canterbury, and handed a very pretty pinny.

Archbishop Justin Welby said “We are absolutely delighted that Libby has joined the big boys gang. Now everyone can see how modern the church actually is.

“Also we’ve finally got someone to make the tea, do the hoovering, and type the letters. And of course poor old Bath & Wells won’t have to

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December 16, 2014

Microbes from 2km below the ocean floor “just like us”

by philapilus

You don’t need a brain to realise they’re shit

The International Ocean Discovery Programme has claimed that microbes discovered by the deepest ever drilling operation bear a striking resemblance to the British public.

Scientists found the single-celled organisms 2400m below the seabed, living an extremely sedentary life, involving no mental or physical exertion, low-nutrition meals, and no visible productivity of any kind.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the IODP’s Slough branch, said “We’ve hit it off famously. They love our music, our casual racism, and our thieving politicians. We love their superior cooking and infinitely

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December 15, 2014

Triumph for Major in X Factor Final

by philapilus

She got a body like an hourglass, but I can give it to you all the time…

Sir John Major said this morning he was”walking on air” after winning this year’s X factor.

The former Conservative Prime Minister said he had entered the competition initially “for a laugh” and had no expectations of getting anywhere with it.

But Major wowed audiences in the early stages with extraordinary renditions of classics like ‘Two Little Boys’ and ‘Tie me Kangaroo Down’ – both by disgraced

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December 15, 2014

Sewell on Theatre: 2B’s Nativity Play

by philapilus

One was hardly put in mind of Piero Della Francesca

Review by Brian Sewell

Depressingly, this year’s offering to the dramatic muses Thalia and Melpomene once again took place in the School Hall – that most unimpressive and drab of venues. But one cannot blame the actors for that.

What one can – and does – blame the actors for, however, is the appalling quality of the performance. After last year’s debacle one hoped that the budding thespians would put some effort into their art.

But alas, the same ill-prepared cast recited lines in a manner that could only be evidence of severe mental retardation, under the

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December 10, 2014

CIA “is not a very nice organisation” shock

by philapilus

Couldn’t give a fuck about Monet

There has been widespread shock at the discovery that the CIA is a secretive military intelligence organisation, which frequently makes use of extreme violence – and not, as was previously thought, the American branch of the Courtauld Institute of Art.

At a press conference yesterday, President Obama described revelations of brutal ‘Enhanced Interrogation Techniques’ used on terror-suspects as “Excessive, inhumane, and shameful.

“Such torturous methods are not at all in keeping with the principles of art history as practised by an august part of London University.”

There followed

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December 8, 2014

TMB round-up: what the papers say

by philapilus

Our half-arsed round-up of other people’s main news stories:

The Sun is leading with ‘nice melons’

 

Daily Telegraph: Royal Couple welcomed in transatlantic colonies

Times: People should

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December 8, 2014

Tory MPs ordered to play Candy Crush

by philapilus

Hours of fun for Hurd and Whitelaw

It has emerged that MP Nigel Mills, who was caught playing Candy Crush Saga during a committee session, was simply obeying party instructions.

Conservative party chairman Grant Shapps confirmed he had told Mr Mills to play Candy Crush throughout the Work and Pensions hearing “to keep him from doing any real damage.”

Nigel Mills said “I have been told to spend all my Commons sessions either playing games on my phone, nodding off, or

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