‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser immediately gets celestial ASBO

by philapilus

After he was finally subdued, Frankie was strip-searched and had a number of weapons confiscated

Notorious gangster ‘Mad’ Frankie Fraser received his first celestial ASBO within minutes of his death yesterday.

Francis Davidson Fraser arrived at the Pearly Gates and was, according to eyewitnesses, in a foul temper, threatening to “Do over the fackin’ doctors what got me in the coma and got me old family to switch off the blahdy machine.”

On being welcomed by St Peter, ‘Mad’ Frankie immediately took offence to the bearded, robed old sage, shouting “Whatchoo got a dress on for then, eh? You dirty old Doris Day.

“And what’s them bars on that gate? And why you got a big key? ‘ere, is this a bucket and pail or summink? You’re probably working for the coppers, aintcha?! You fackin’ Jeremy Hunt!”

‘Mad’ Frankie then headbutted the Keeper of the Keys of Heaven, bursting open his nose.

An onlooker said “As streams of blood poured down the white surplice of the first Pope, choirs of cherubim attempted to wrestle Mr Fraser to the ground, but he pulled out a pair of pliers – God knows (or rather, He doesn’t) where he got those from – and started ripping out angelic teeth.

“After biting a chunk out of a Seraph’s ear, Fraser was finally subdued by the Archangel Gabriel, who broke a pint glass over the back of his head.”

‘Mad’ Frankie was immediately given an ASBO by God, and made to sit on a cloud all by himself for the first thousand years of his afterlife.

Almighty Jehovah said “Initially I told him we might lift the ASBO for good behaviour, but then he threw his harp at me and bust my lower lip open.

“Last time I checked he was urinating over the edge of the cloud onto the people far below and shouting ‘I’ll give every fackin’ one of youse a Chelsea Smile! I fackin’ will!’

“Jesus Christ.”

 

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