Horses “better than police in every way”

by philapilus

Only one of these two won’t try and chat you up when you’re reporting a rape

A study has found that police horses are more friendly, better at preventing and solving crime, and less institutionally racist than their human counterparts.

The study, commissioned by the Association of Police Officers and conducted by the University of Oxford, suggests that over 80% of those interviewed “Would choose a horse over a person to come and investigate crimes such as domestic burglary, assault, and car theft.”

Author of the report, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, said “The general feeling was that horses were gentler, less sarcastic, and would not make you wait as long for a response.

“Additionally, although horses do have a tendency to crap on the carpet, it was felt that they usually did so less copiously than policemen and women, and that the resulting faecal matter was less vile, being composed mostly of straw.”

Horses were also considered to be better in dealing with riots, muggings, and drug busts, and 97% believed they were “considerably more trustworthy with firearms, despite being hampered by only having hooves.”

The only areas in which the report says horses scored poorly were giving school presentations – where they “tended not to instill enough fear in evil little bastards” and liaising with Neighbourhood Watch groups, as they were “less likely to tell annoying curtain-twitchers to fuck off.”

Police horse Ned Cardigan said “We’re also really bad at identifying powerful networks of child abusers, and child abuse-enablers.

“Actually, thinking about it, that’s no different from the normal police is it?”

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