Pick-up artists — the facts

by articulatedsheep

The bizarre world of the “pick up artist”, or PUA, has currently come under the spotlight as a result of the noted PUA Julien Blanc being denied a visa to visit Australia, with similar steps being taken to prohibit his travel to the UK. But what are pick-up artists, and what are the tips and tricks they claim can be used to ensure that any man who used them will be knee-deep in ladyjuice by the end of a night out?

QAPLA'!

QAPLA’!

For a long time these tricks have been jealously guarded. PUAs make a substantial living from seminars in soulless airport hotels where desperate, lonely men pay eyewatering amounts of money for the privilege of listening to self-styled PUAs with open shirts and ridiculous hair honking about their sexual prowess. This valuable income stream would be eliminated were the whole gamut of their techniques to become public. Here, however, we are able to present a small selection of some of them.

  • When you walk into a bar or a party, stand at the entrance and exclaim, “I wish to put my penis inside a vagina!” This will immediately mark you out as a no-nonsense alpha male, who knows what he wants. Women will be intrigued and aroused by your directness.
  • One for technically-minded PUAs. Ask your target to divide a number by zero. The resultant calculation error will usually force a soft reboot, allowing you to restart her in safe mode with administrator privileges. This means that you will be able to access and alter her CONFIG.SYS file. In the file the default response to a “SEX” query will be set to “N”. Alter this to “Y”, save the file and reboot.
  • While your target is talking, shout “La la la la, I’m not listening!” or hum loudly and continuously, only stopping when she stops talking. She will soon realise that she needs to listen to you, immediately establishing a dominant-submissive relationship. This means that you will have free rein to talk about how much you can bench-press or to perform some shit magic trick to try and impress her.
  • Send your target an Outlook appointment request with the subject line, “Not sex”. When she accepts it, immediately send an alteration request, changing the time of the appointment by fifteen minutes but also changing the subject line to “Sex”. With luck, she will only check the new time, not the changed meeting subject, meaning that she will have made an appointment with you to have sex. Legally, this constitutes consent and cannot be rescinded.
  • When you make a joke, immediately follow it by exclaiming a phrase that highlights the punchline. Amateurs use phrases like “Get in!” or “Back of the net!” but experienced PUAs pique a target’s interest by using a more urbane or sophisticated phrase, such as “Cyberspace 2.0 dot com!”, “Plume de ma tante!” or “Hercule Poirot’s casebook closed!” Repeat the phrase continuously until she eventually laughs. This means that when you say the phrase again, you will trigger a Pavlovian reaction, giving your target an uncontrollable urge to drop to her knees and fellate you.
  • Unbelievably, you’ve managed to get a target to agree to sleep with you. What do you do now? Go back to her flat and get down to business? NO. High-achieving PUAs know that time wasted having sex is time you could be spent picking up other women. In that crucial three minutes you could successfully pick up four additional women – significantly bumping up your stats and your nightly average. This is why the most successful PUAs are virgins. YES. YES IT IS.
  • For advanced PUAs only! Follow your target back to her flat and when she is inside, stand on the street and shout pathetic phrases up at her window at her like, “Please can I have sex with you, please? I’m so lonely. Why won’t you have sex with me?”
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