Fifa branching out into banking

by philapilus

You might say the goalposts have been moved. And done up quite a bit too.

After the Fifa ethics row deepened yesterday, with investigator Michael Garcia accusing judge Hans Joachim-Eckert of misrepresentation, the governing body has announced its intention to diversify into banking.

Fifa’s Strategic Analyst, Hans Onmycok, said “Allegations of corruption over the awarding of the 2018 and 2022 World cup tournaments to Russia and Qatar have shown us that it’s quite hard to get away with impropriety.

“What we need is to make our operation appear legitimate on the outside, whilst stuffed to the brim with criminal financial deals on the inside, and to that end this organisation will henceforth be known as Fifabank.”

Accusations of bribery, foul play, and substantive wrongdoing – all much discussed in the public sphere – have plagued Fifa in recent years.

But the redesignation of all Fifa’s officials as bankers has immediately defused the torrid situation.

Formerly irate football fans say they have recognised the futility of demanding justice, and are now merely grumbling in an unfocussed, quiet way about bonuses.

Michael Garcia said “You might as well chuck away that 430-page report I did. That was only relevant when Fifa was almost semi-accountable.

“But clearly they aren’t doing anything incompatible with the ethics of their industry, and so I apologise, and retract all my comments.”

Hans Joachim-Eckert said “Bring me whores, champagne, caviar, and enough magic nose-dust to kill a whale. And then get me the books; time for some serious asset-stripping and insider trading. Welcome to Fifabank.”

To which everyone said “Well that’s all right then.”


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