Rosetta’s ‘Philae’ lands on comet, celebrities disembark

by philapilus

Soon all this boring space-rock shit will be replaced with live footage of Charles Kennedy trying to lick Marmite off his foot for a dare

The Philae probe,  successfully landed on Comet 67/P yesterday, has now locked securely to the surface, and unfolded into a house full of cameras and celebrities, as planned.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough branch of the European Space Agency, said “The extraordinary achievement of sending Rosetta on a 10 year, 6 billion km journey, is considerable.

“But now the really important part of the mission is about to begin: beaming back footage for the first ever series of ‘I’m a Celebrity: Get Me Off This Comet’.”

A number of vaguely-recognisable celebrities have been brought out of Cryo-sleep, and will now spend the next few days sitting around in their pants, complaining about rehydrated space food.

Series producer, Wendy Nailinthehead, said “It’s amazing. We are going where no man has boldly gone, to bring you some  hopefully really quite watchable TV.

“We’ve got Matt (but not Luke) Goss,  we’ve got the daughter of a model who was in Clairol adverts in the ’80s, and we even have the guy who played Eric Catchpole on Lovejoy.

“And there’s an ethnic; a very talented extra who played ‘man getting a haircut’ in no less than three episodes of Desmond’s.”

The celebrities will be filmed, eating, defecating, going for space walks, and slowly asphyxiating as the oxygen runs out.

Alien To-em K’rou’uze, coincidentally also on the comet, said “Our mission-purpose is to understand the beginnings of Time itself, and to use 67/P’s molecular structure to augment a medicine that we think can cure every known illness, thus ending all suffering.

“Presumably you humans have an equally incredible plan? Tell us, that we may learn what matters to your species more than anything in the known universe?

“A reality TV series? Oh.

“Well, each to their own I guess.”


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