Absolutely no one challenging Miliband for ‘unwanted’ leadership

by philapilus

Gold-plated job security: when literally everyone else would rather die than take over from you

Labour rebels denied attempts to overthrow Ed Miliband today, adding that no matter how dissatisfied they were with him, they couldn’t find a single person willing to take over and lead the Labour party into catastrophic general election defeat next year.

Rebel Wedge Antilles, MP for Little Chittface in Hampshire, said “Well, there has been a fair bit of sniping about Ed behind his back. There’s been clandestine meetings where everyone is trying to make out that they’re planning leadership challenges, and so forth, mostly out of bravado.

“But actually we haven’t found a single person who will go through with it and usurp Ed’s place. It’s a shit job, and nobody’s got to do it, but if somebody is going to do it anyway, then let it be that googly-eyed twat.”

The Labour leadership however denied that there was any talk of a coup, and insisted the party was united and convinced of its own victory.

A senior Labour spokesman said “The current Labour front bench is here to stay! We shall not, we shall not be moved!

“Right up until the point when we lose, and then have to move, obviously. Then we’ll go to the backbenches, to make way for Her Majesty’s new opposition, the Scottish National Party.”

Tory Chairman Grant Shapps said “Ordinarily we’d be singing for joy at the parlous state of affairs the Labour party is in. But unfortunately we’re also going to be moving to the backbenches next year, to make way for Her Majesty’s new government, the United Kingdom Independence Party.

“My God, this country is fucked.”

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