Benefits stopped for those giving out free Halloween treats

by philapilus

 

A super-tax on pumpkins will fund extra police presence tonight, to keep the UK’s children cowed and under curfew.

The government has warned that any0ne on benefits caught giving out free sweets to trick-or-treaters tonight will face an immediate withdrawal of all state aid, and possible prosecution.

The Work and Pensions Secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, said “This is not about punishing generosity, or interfering with fun traditions.

“But in order to maintain an honest and just society where hard work is rewarded, we will be stripping all benefit from those who give away valuable commodities whilst simultaneously demanding that the state support their lavish lifestyles.”

The government said that untaxed accumulations of free edible commodities was hurting businesses, who would face a slump in demand during the first quarter of November, because children would be using up black market hoards of sweets and making very few legitimate purchases.

Iain Duncan Smith said “I enjoy our shared traditions and festivities as much as everyone else. But deceit is deceit, and we simply cannot support ourselves as a nation if we go on allowing such blatantly undeclared activities.

“Oh, and also, some platitudinous shit about policy recognising grandparents from now on. Hang on, the elderly still tend to vote to the right don’t they? Good. Yeah, lots of recognising grandparents in all new policy.”

Mr Duncan Smith’s initiative has been supported by Minister for Justice, Chris Grayling, who said “Not only is this kind of shabby, moonlit exchange unaccountable, but it is exacted by young, Satan-worshipping ruffians using the threat of force.

“A group of trick-or-treaters came to my house three years ago, and after I explained I had no intention of parting with any of my things just to appease common bandits, they retreated to the gate and pelted my house with no less than seven eggs. I have never been so terrified in all my life.

“And I can’t even lock them up, because apparently being a pupil at an infants school gives you watertight protection from the retribution and long arm of British justice. Unbelievable.”

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