93% of all internet trolling done by 2 people

by philapilus

Since they were arrested the internet has atrophied and entered a state of hibernation

Research by New Scotland Yard’s Internet Section has discovered that almost all online trolling and celebrity hacking is the work of just two people.

The research was carried out after Justice Secretary Chris Grayling announced new legislation to tackle those who use the internet as a means to offend, abuse others anonymously, or possibly just express opinions.

PC McGarry No 452 said “We have been working hard to establish the sources of offensive online activity.

“Our first assumption, that there were actual, mythical, Scandinavian monsters typing angry messages, and hacking pictures of Jennifer Lawrence in her panties, turned out to be incorrect.

“The whole ‘troll’ thing is just a metaphor, apparently. I was quite disappointed.”

But it was after ruling out mythological fantasy creatures, that police discovered 93% of all messages, hacks, nude picture, or threats to disembowel a stranger, came from one of two sources.

These were identified as unemployed gamer, 33 year-old Mike Hunt, and schoolboy Pete Teabag, who is 15.

Police said that Hunt, a 27 stone pizza-addict, living in a permanently darkened room in his parents’ house, had affixed tubes to his genitals and anus running straight to the toilet, so that he never needed to leave the sofa.

This allowed him to maintain a ceaseless, 24-7, bitching-war against what he thought were untold millions of online adversaries.

Pete Teabag also believed himself engaged in billions of spats with a multitude of other trolls, and had been using matchsticks in his eyes to remain sleepless, since he began trolling in 2009

McGarry said “They have fought for years under usernames as varied as ‘AndAsbosForAll’, ‘gurrrlmagnit’, ‘hatefulshit’ and ‘IainDuncanSmith’. Each of them has generated about 3 billion insults or threats a year, most of which aimed, unwittingly, at one another.

“Chris Grayling says we’re just going to incarcerate and torture them both in his secret lair, and then assassinate Tim Berners-Lee, but that I’m not to …tell…anyone…

“Oh shit.”

 

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