Shops now just telling customers to f*ck off

by philapilus

‘Good f*cking riddance…’

The number of shops actively trying to get rid of customers has increased dramatically in the last three months, according to a new report by the Slough Centre for Commerce Relations.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, the report’s author, said “Just over the last few days we’ve seen a lesbian couple ejected from Sainsbury’s for kissing, a blind woman thrown out of a Tesco’s, and a Texan locked into a branch of Waterstones overnight.

“Such extended proximity to books and learning could have been fatal for an American.”

McEyebrau says that “The degree to which stores and supermarkets display their antipathy to shoppers has been gradually rising since 1950. But what we are seeing now is a sudden and exponential increase in attempts to dissuade, offend, or even maim, customers.”

The publication of the research coincides with an incident this morning in which an elderly grandmother was ejected from the Oxford Street branch of John Lewis, through a fourth floor window.

Shop assistants defended their actions, saying she had “Been sucking on Werther’s Originals with grotesque loudness, and brown spittle was dripping off her wispy beard.”

Hatred for customers has traditionally been most prominent in bookshops and libraries. Here staff who are just clever enough to get degrees, but not clever enough to get proper jobs, have taken out their bitter resentment on readers they consider to be beneath them.

But now, the report says, even asking a 15-year old checkout girl in Budgens if Ben & Jerry’s ice cream contains nuts, is liable to result in a hauteur-motivated drubbing of epic proportions.

The report concludes that this is all down to Britain’s service sector being staffed with “hateful little twats.”

But Customer Services manager, Wendy Nailinthehead, said “If you had to listen to the whinging, nagging shit I put up with all day, you’d try and stab every single member of the public who came through the door as well.”



%d bloggers like this: