Osborne offering Eurostar to Cash Converters

by philapilus

Honestly Chancellor, me old mate; £255 is a fair price, and you won’t find anyone willing to offer more on a quick turnaround…”

George Osborne has instructed the Treasury to ask Cash Converters if they would be interested in taking the Eurostar off his hands.

The Chancellor announced this morning that he wants to try and cash-in the UK’s 40% of shares in the lucrative high-speed rail-link “For a quick fistful of folding money, to get the loansharks off my back. Know what I mean?”

The government’s plan to asset-strip the public sector – or ‘Britain’ as it is sometimes known – to service a national debt too large for small financial gains to make an impact upon, has been hailed as a brave move by dozens of investment funds.

They are advising Mr Osborne to sell at rock-bottom prices for a quick-sale, and have even selflessly offered to buy up the selfsame assets from pawnbrokers “just to help out”.

Critics have questioned whether selling off a major national asset to private investors is sensible, after the massive underselling of the Post Office last year resulted in millions lost to the public purse.

They also point to the complete collapse of the UK’s rail network since privatisation, and the fact that independent rail operators have brought about a situation where it costs £475 to travel from Peckam Rye to Queen’s Road Peckham, and you have to dismount between stops and help lift the carriages over a missing stretch of track.

But Mr Osborne retorted “It’s all very well saying we’re sacrificing long-term profitability for short-term cashflow, but what use is millions of pounds a year in the future if I’m going to get my fingers cut off next month?

“No, I’m sorry, but I have thought this through carefully, and me flogging the Eurostar to some eminently trustworthy looking private investors, with gold teeth and knee-length sheepskin jackets, is what’s best for Britain.”

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