New Bob the Builder has tattoos and big arsecrack

by philapilus

“Can we fix it? Welllllll I dunno; not sure if I can get the parts, and I’m fully booked up till February now”

Mattel has announced a redesign of its Hit Entertainment character, Bob the Builder, causing an outcry amongst the franchise’s wide fanbase.

The new incarnation sees Bob’s physique – specifically his oversized, melon-like head and scrunched up little body – redesigned to more realistic proportions, and then covered in poor-quality tattoos.

Mattel say Bob will also sport “a deep-arse cleavage, and will smoke like a chimney, whilst stopping every twenty-five minutes to drink a cup of tea with six sugars.”

TV episodes will centre on potential customers waiting days for a quote, and then growing increasingly irate and desperate as Bob leaves work unfinished and disappears for weeks at a time.

He will also ruin any carpets in the house, change the radio station without asking, and occasionally send round contractors in his place who don’t speak English and demand to be paid in cash daily.

A Mattel spokesman said “Bob the Builder is loved by children everywhere, but he gives them an entirely unrealistic picture of the construction industry, as do his talking vehicles. Also, what the fuck is up with that scarecrow that sounds like Zippy off Rainbow?

“Bob’s new look will give children a more reliable understanding of the building trade.

“And it will show little boys and girls everywhere the sadistic joy of leaving people enraged and helpless, trapped in their own homes behind piles of bricks and scaffolding, then fucking off to Majorca for a fortnight.”



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