Clacton quarantined after deadly outbreak of Ukip

by philapilus

An artist’s impression of conditions inside the cordoned-off constituency

After Clacton elected Douglas Carswell as the UK Independence Party’s first MP yesterday, the Essex constituency has been put under enforced medical quarantine.

Doctor Professor Sir Mike Ock, the UK’s Chief Medical Officer, said today “The sudden outbreak of insanity which has gripped Clacton is unprecedented and extremely disturbing. We don’t know whether this is a disease, a virus, evidence of some sort of parasite – all we can say for certain is that the results are catastrophic.”

The army has erected checkpoints and a ‘cordon sanitaire’, and even the airspace above the area has been designated a no-fly zone.

Sir Mike Ock said “We believe patient zero was one Nigel Farage, an escaped patient of a secure psychiatric ward, who has evaded the authorities for months, whilst undertaking numerous ‘video-bombings’, rushing up to news crews filming in the street and spouting incoherent absurdities live on air.

“Carswell has obviously come into contact with Farage, and, like so many others, recently started showing similar symptoms.

“But the complete swing from mild Tory delusions into full-blown UKip insanity that we saw in Clacton last night suggests that the infection has increased its potency exponentially.”

The Prime Minister is holding an emergency meeting with heads of the British Armed Forces today to discuss options for isolating the epidemic which he has said is “Currently a worse threat than ebola”.

Mr Cameron added that nuclear destruction of the constituency – and perhaps even the whole of Essex – is a last resort, and that he believes “there may still be a couple of things we can try first.

“But we’re very much against the clock, and we can’t rule out the possibly of having to resort to the nuclear option over the weekend.”

 

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