Dad’s Army movie to star Brand, LaBoeuf, and other A-listers

by philapilus

The dour, miserabilist Scot, Private Frazer, will be played by Alex Salmond, who has been whining ‘We’re doomed!’ over and over for a couple of weeks now

An all-star cast has been announced for the  big-screen remake of Dad’s Army, ending months of excited speculation.

Director Oliver Parker said “The feel of the classic sitcom, which followed the comedic mishaps of elderly Home Guard recruits in WW2, will permeate the new film, and our cast reflects that.

“The lead part of pompous platoon commander, Captain Mainwaring, is going to Russell Brand, who will definitely bring an epic Edwardian stuffiness to the part.

“His suave second-in-command, Lieutenant Wilson, will be Timmy Mallett, who has, I think, been away from TV for too long, and whose legendary genteel charm echoes John Le Mesurier’s own.

“And what remake could possibly be complete without the brave but doddering octogenarian Corporal Jones? As soon as I heard Shia LaBoeuf shout ‘Don’t Panic! Don’t Panic!’ in that whiny cuntish voice of his, I knew I had found my very own Clive Dunn.”

Other casting decisions include Noel Edmunds as wheeler-dealing malingerer Private Walker, and Roger Moore as underdeveloped ‘Stupid Boy’ Private Pike.

The camp, balding and effete Reverend Timothy Farthing will be played by Vin Diesel.

Parker said ” You laugh now, but frankly it doesn’t really matter who plays any of those guys.

“I’ve got Jennifer Lawrence signed on as Mainwaring’s wife Elizabeth, and I’ve nearly convinced her to get one of her tits out. Just watch this movie make $3bn and then tell me it’s a travesty, yeah?”

 

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