Lib Dems hold farewell conference

by philapilus

“I’m going to tell everyone I’ve done five years of bird, for attacking children in a playground. Which would actually have been preferable.”

The Liberal Democrats are holding the final conference of the season – and the last ever conference for their party.

MPs, delegates, and activists are gathered in Glasgow for one last work mini-break, which will feature valedictory speeches, a bittersweet farewell drinks party, and advice on jobseeking.

Going into the 2015 general election under the slogan ‘Bye Everyone; We’re Sorry’, the Lib Dems agreed a motion on Saturday that “There’s no point delaying the inevitable”.

Speaking on the Andrew Marr show yesterday, Nick Clegg said “You have to be realistic. We are going to get absolutely creamed, and there’s nothing we can do about it now.

“Over the last four years I have been through all the classic stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. The last of which has been my constant companion.

“But now I have accepted that we’re going to be decimated next May, I actually feel almost quite upbeat. It will be great to have mornings to myself again, and I can really get back into my paperclip collection.

“I can’t wait to see how many new types of paperclip have come onto the market over the last five years. You know those ones that have a sort of triangular end instead of a rounded one? I nearly fainted the first time I saw one of those.”

Business secretary Vince Cable today gave a workshop entitled ‘Life after the Lib Dems’ giving hints on how to find work, and blend in with the general public.

Cable said “The trick is internalising your cover story so well that it replaces reality, even in your own head. When someone says ‘Liberal Democrats’ you need to scrunch up your forehead – like this – and say ‘Liberal who…?’

“You must be completely convinced that you spent the last five years unemployed, or in witness protection after testifying against an abusive former partner.

“Which is pretty much the case.”


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