Boris lambastes “Tory nutters for joining Ukip nutters”

by philapilus

The very Reckless Mr Mark Stupid MP

In the run-up to his headline performance at this year’s Conservative Party conference, Boris Johnson has attacked Tory defectors for being “Nuts. But, er…not in, you know, the good way.”

The rockstar-politician and occasional Mayor of London said that traitors Douglas Carswell and Mark Reckless “Should be, well, should probably be, you know, blackballed or something, something of that…er…ilk.

“Thoroughly rotten blighters, both of them. Bad form, chaps, bad form. Not quite the thingy… done thingy…done thing. Yes, not quite that.

“Mad really. Mad hatters. Nutters the both of ’em. But not… er…ah… not Tory nutters; Ukip nutters. That’s much worse.

Johnson’s remarks follow Reckless’s defection this weekend to Ukip.

In a torycide note, which he wrote prior to jumping out of a window into a huge tub of blancmange, Reckless said “I must go, you must let me!

“The EU comes to me in my darkest nightmares and intones demoniacally ‘You will drive on the right-hand side of the road! Ahahahaha!’

“THE RIGHT-HAND SIDE OF THE ROOOOAAADDDDDD! CHRIST SAVE US!!”

The letter – scrawled in wax crayon on a paper-towel, and smeared liberally with tears, Sunny Delight, and human excrement – will be ritually burned at today’s ‘Hug a Tory Councillor’ coffee morning.

There are rumors that chairman Grant Shapps has authorised the Red Trousers (the elite group of assassins handpicked from grassroots supporters and activists) to make a Hit on the defectors.

In addition to his own castigation of the heretics, Boris has denied reports that he’ll use the Birmingham conference to expand his own political base.

He said today “The big, you know, big… jolly big springboard-thingy my chaps are bringing in has absolutely nothing to do with  launching a leadership campaign against whatsisname. You know. Prime chap, head honcho, thingy…Cameron! Yes, Cameron.

“No, Dave has…has my absolute support. I’ll be, be… um… right behind him all the way. I’ve got his back. Apparently that’s the… that’s by far the best place to you know, really stick the knife in and twist it.

“That’s what Heseltine told me, anyway.”

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