Cameron and Queen in alleged ‘dirty phonecall’ scandal

by philapilus

“Phwooar! Don’t stop, ma’am, don’t stop…”

David Cameron’s office has rejected calls for him to apologise to the Queen, after footage emerged of him allegedly describing a dirty phonecall with the monarch.

The Prime Minister was caught on film telling ex-New York mayor, Michael Bloomberg, “Yeah, Liz was purring like a cat, breathing heavy – the works. Then she started describing how she was going to town on herself, real dirty, nasty shit. And that’s when I messed my pants.

“It was just amazing phone-filth. Way better than any of the numbers on those cards in phoneboxes. And I’ve tried them all. She’s sheer class, Her Maj. And also very sadistic. I mean, what she said about the poor bloody corgis…”

The snippet of film ends at this point, because Cameron took Bloomberg into a phone booth, where they made an as yet untraced call together.

The Prime Minister however flatly denies all accusations, insisting that “the footage is a patent forgery, made using a lookalike – who also shares identical genetic material with me, hence the fingerprint-match taken later from the phone booth door by journalists. And the police.”

Buckingham House is also adamant that the video is a fake. Spokesperson Sir Percy Spoke said “These tabloid claims are absolute tosh. Her most gracious majesty only ever purrs like a cat when being told that something awful has befallen that odious little shite Alex Salmond. She does not, repeat NOT operate a phone sex line, and she does not, repeat NOT do so under the pseudonym ‘QuimQueenie24/7’.

“Um, actually can you just edit that last bit out?”

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