Miliband: “I can fix Britain by 2025, if you all just go away and count to a billion”

by philapilus

“Keep your eyes shut… no peeking, or you’ll spoil it!”

Ed Miliband wowed the Labour conference today, with a closing speech ambitiously pledging to fix absolutely everything in the UK in 10 years – provided everyone just goes away until he’s finished.

The leader of the opposition told party members “This is NOT another slogan. ‘Britain 2025’ is a real, tangible thing.

“I PROMISE you, hand on heart, that if elected I will definitely fix this broken country in a decade. Only thing is, it’s sort of like a magic trick; I have to do it secretly. If you’re all watching and scrutinising me, it won’t work. Kind of like trying to pee when there’s someone standing next to you, you know?

“If you look the other way though, I can do it. Totes. Maybe you could all just move to France, close your eyes, and count to a really, really high number?”

Miliband said he was, however, happy to lay out for delegates the anticipated results of his ten-year plan. These include:

  • Raising the minimum wage to at least twenty quid
  • Completely transforming the NHS as long as no one bothers them till 2025, so they can get on top of the paperwork
  • Creating 2 million new homes, to be built on the clouds above Britain, and accessible via a very, very tall ‘property ladder’

He insisted however that no one ask him any questions about how he was going to do it, and that everyone needed to have Eurostar tickets booked for the day after the General Election.

Conservative party chairman, Grant Shapps, said “Oh shit. Our plan is pretty much exactly the same, except instead of asking everyone to leave we were going to sort of force you all out through financial squeezing.

“This is why it’s rubbish that we didn’t get our conference in first.”

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