Tesco makes minor accounting error of £250m

by philapilus

Turns out just moving it from the warehouse to the shop doesn’t count; you actually have to ‘sell it’ all too.

Tesco has defended its £250m profit overstatement today in a press release, pointing out that “adding and subtracting are really difficult”.

The supermarket giant said that its accounts were wrong to the tune of a quarter of a billion because it can be very hard to distinguish between revenue you have earned, and revenue you haven’t earned.

Tesco’s chief accountant, Todd Cupboard, told reporters “It’s not so much a ‘mistake’, it’s more of a misalignment of data averaging gross sales against a time period commensurate with interest paid on financing and capital overheads, monthly outgoings, and net annual revenue.

“Well, that and, you know, getting the amount of fruit and vegetables we’ve sold wrong. Also, sometimes I forget to carry the 1, or get confused about where to put the decimal point.”

The UK government said that it couldn’t really comment on the ginormous error made by a supposedly world-class FTSE-100 company because “We’re constantly thinking we’ve got money that it turns out we actually haven’t. It’s an easy mistake to make.

“Our advice is to just do what we did, and give less money to all the people who work for you. Also, try and fire some of them, and then get them to come back and work for free or they don’t get benefits. Worked for us.”

Tesco shopper Tim Twanks said “Give Tesco a break; we’ve all done it. Sometimes when I get back from the pub I’m convinced I’ve got a tenner somewhere, and search through my pockets for ages, but there’s just all these copper coins. Then I remember that I spent £8.99 on a shitty kebab. And spend the rest of the day in the toilet.”

Meanwhile Tesco has responded to its own vast accounting discrepancy by suspending four executives, whose redundancy packages – should the four be found responsible for the disaster – will take at least another £250m off the company’s books.

 

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