Man United lose 5-3 to John Major’s Leicester City

by philapilus

Major said goalie Hurd was his ‘man of the match’, as not a single ball got past him – despite the aging Hurd having to play sitting down.

Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal has said his team “were simply outplayed” after their humiliating defeat at the hands of Leicester City.

Leicester’s captain, former Prime Minister Sir John Major, scored four of the five goals that saw his team make an amazing comeback from 3-1 down.

Major said “I am really pleased with this result. I was a bit concerned we wouldn’t do very well, especially as there were only nine of us on the pitch. Heseltine did his hip in after a vigorous country ramble, and it turned out Ted Heath was actually dead.

“It also did not bode well that none of us had ever played football before. But Geoffrey Howe was on top form; his crosses were inch-perfect. And once Douglas Hurd was substituted for Nigel Lawson in goal, they couldn’t get past our steely defence.”

Despite being one of the world’s most famous clubs, packed with multi-millionaire professional young footballers, United admitted they had “basically collapsed” under the onslaught of the aging Tories.

Captain Wayne Rooney said “Me no understand. Us all good kick ball Bang! go long way. Them old men do talking and thinking inside head. We lose anyway. No making sense. I get lots money and sexy grannies now?”

Sir John Major said “United played as well as I have seen them play in a long time, and I hope they don’t feel too sore. It just happened that, on the day, they weren’t quite good enough to beat a numerically inferior team of septuagenarian Conservative politicians.

“But they’ll bounce back, and I am almost certain they’ll perform better in their next match against the Wigan Women’s Institute. They might even get a draw.”

 

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