Archive for September 22nd, 2014

September 22, 2014

“You’re not actually PM anymore” Cameron tells Blair

by philapilus
Leaders from the three main political parties were forced to make An Intervention this morning, after unhinged

WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM ANNUAL MEETING 2009 - Tony Blair.jpg

Has been very busy recently writing long emails to God instructing him how to run the universe

megalomaniac Tony Blair rang up the Ministry of Defence and ordered ground troops into Iraq and Syria.

A recording of his phonecall to the MoD revealed Blair instructed the UK armed forces to “Unleash a fiery hell” upon the Islamic State militia, adding “We’re going in again boys; I’ve led you to military triumph before, and I’ll do it again!”

A spokesman for the Prime Minister said “David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband went round to Tony’s and knocked on the door. He answered it wearing a toga, paratrooper boots

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September 22, 2014

Man United lose 5-3 to John Major’s Leicester City

by philapilus

Major said goalie Hurd was his ‘man of the match’, as not a single ball got past him – despite the aging Hurd having to play sitting down.

Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal has said his team “were simply outplayed” after their humiliating defeat at the hands of Leicester City.

Leicester’s captain, former Prime Minister Sir John Major, scored four of the five goals that saw his team make an amazing comeback from 3-1 down.

Major said “I am really pleased with this result. I was a bit concerned we wouldn’t do very well, especially as there were only nine of us on the pitch. Heseltine did his hip in after a vigorous country ramble, and it turned out Ted Heath was actually dead.

“It also did not

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September 22, 2014

Tesco makes minor accounting error of £250m

by philapilus

Turns out just moving it from the warehouse to the shop doesn’t count; you actually have to ‘sell it’ all too.

Tesco has defended its £250m profit overstatement today in a press release, pointing out that “adding and subtracting are really difficult”.

The supermarket giant said that its accounts were wrong to the tune of a quarter of a billion because it can be very hard to distinguish between revenue you have earned, and revenue you haven’t earned.

Tesco’s chief accountant, Todd Cupboard, told reporters “It’s not so much a ‘mistake’, it’s more

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September 22, 2014

Derbyshire dam “accidentally destroyed” in historic aircraft flypast

by philapilus

In 2012 one of the planes accidentally killed a standful of veterans at a memorial airshow, an action welcomed by Iain Duncan Smith’s DWP.

Tragedy struck during an RAF flypast yesterday, when the last two remaining World War Two Avro Lancasters accidentally bombed and obliterated Derwent Dam.

An excited crowd of enthusiasts and spectators had assembled at the dam – the practise site for the famous ‘Dambusters’ raid – all of whom were drowned when the planes unleashed a massive payload of bouncing bombs.

Wing Commander Sir Leslie Fanshawe Haines-Haines, the RAF liaison for all commemorative displays and historical re-enactmants, said “Bloody bad luck, what? No idea the bloody bombs were still on the bally planes!

“Shame about

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