Defeated Salmond to be dragged through streets in victory parade

by philapilus

The No campaign’s brilliant ‘Trojan Horse’ subterfuge involved getting a bunch of hypocritical non-resident celebrities, like Sean Connery, to come out in favour of independence. The principles of reverse psychology did the rest.

David Cameron will today chain the body of vanquished foe Alex Salmond to the back of a Nissan Micra, and then drag it around Edinburgh – just like Achilles did with Hector at Troy.

The defeat of the Yes campaign in yesterday’s referendum marks the end of the SNP’s dreams for independence, and the crushing of the First Minister’s long-held ambition to crown himself King of Scotland.

In a press statement this morning, Mr Cameron said “I just want to thank everyone who helped me defeat the rebellious Picts, including our natural enemies, the Labour party.

“Ed, Alistair Darling – even Gordon Brown; we couldn’t have done it without you. And thanks to Justin Welby for the loan of the Nissan and chains. I’ll bring them back in good nick.

“And to our Scottish brothers I want to say this: you know those extra powers we promised? You can forget that shit, you traitorous peasants. Try and break away would you? Ha! You are now officially Our Bitch.”

Wales breathed a huge sigh of relief and said “There’s lovely intit? Some other poor bugger’s the whipping boy at long last! Oh, Yaki Da!”

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