Scottish referendum: what they’re saying

by philapilus
File:Scotland map.png

If they vote yes, can we just dig a trench along the border and push them into the Atlantic Ocean?

Voters are flocking to the polling stations today, as the referendum on Scottish independence is finally under way.

During the nerve-biting, nail-wracking wait for tomorrow morning’s results, TMB brings you a round-up of what the great, the good, and the twattish are saying.

David Cameron: Voting yes would be a terrible mistake. Especially as we know where all of you live. You’re on our list, folks. Literally. We have a list of everyone who’s voting.

Nick Clegg: What he said.

Alex Salmond: Ah’m puirsnally gon tae heidbutt any o’ youse voting tae stay wi’ yon English bastards; yuv bin wairned. Noo, git oot thair an’ fucking vote aye, d’ye ken?

Mel Gibson: Scotland and America have a proud, joint history of resisting the tyranny of the English, so it would be remiss of me not to comment, but it really depends how large that cheque you’re writing is…

Pte James Frazer: Wurr doomed, Mr Mainwaring, dooooooomed!!!!!

Sean Connery: For tax reasons I’m not sshetting foot in Sshhcotland ever again, but that sshhouldn’t deter any of you poor folkshh who actually live in that sshhhitty hell-hole from voting for freedom.

George Galloway: This is an historic day, and I’ve quite rightly been asked for my opinion because, frankly, it is the only one worth listening to. The other politicians, the fatcats, and the megalomaniacs in Holyrood and Westminster, are trying to distract you from listening to the greatest orator of our age, a man I am proud to refer to using the personal pronoun. But it’s for you all to make your own minds up, and elect me King of the United Kingdom today. I’m pretty sure that’s what this vote is, isn’t it? Or is it about assessing my enormous sex-appeal? I was going to read the papers but I caught a glimpse of myself in a shopwindow, and just stood there agape with pleasure for several hours. Anyway, today isn’t just about me. It’s about what all you Scots think about me.

Katie Price: I’m gonna call the next one ‘Gerbil’. Or maybe somefink classy like ‘Diamante Tiara’. What’s a Scotland?

Andy Murray: Now that I’ve won Wimbledon, fuck you, legion of English fans who’ve supported me for years. I am going back to my own people, where despite my dour, stony-faced demeanor and miserablist outlook I am considered a comparative fucking sunbeam.

Gordon Brown: Thought you’d seen the last of me, didn’t you? HA! Well this is my comeback. Like the turd that will not flush, you won’t be getting rid of me so easily. And now I am going to read out my 97-point plan for Scotland, which you will have to listen to because there’s nothing else in the news. Here we go. ‘Point 1, Section 1,  subsection I of V. Part 1, Paragraph 1 of 36…’

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II: What makes you think one gives a shit?

Prince Phillip, Duke of Edinburgh: Bunch of bloody peasant jocks; can’t we just have them all killed?

Richard Dawkins: My word, you really are stupid aren’t you? You are all so bloody stupid. It is almost frightening how stupid you are. All of you will – with any luck – have your seed wiped from the gene-pool in a generation or so, leaving the world to us atheists. And maybe just one cretinous believer, who we can tie up and beat with sticks and take turns urinating on his shoes. Make it a Christian though, not a Muslim. They scare the shit out of me.

Sir Alan Sugar: Whadda we want a bloody load of pennypinching gingers for anyways? Namby-pambies, aintcha Scotland! I want investors with balls! BALLS! Balls over the place! I want more, and bigger, balls than I know what to do with. Git aat of it Scotland; YOU’RE FIRED!

Mrs Doubtfire: [no response]

Sir David Attenborough: The Scot is a solitary, pale creature, that jealously hoards its meagre bounty. A scavenger, the Scot’s diet consists mainly of the kind of foodstuffs other creatures don’t even consider food. It is, however, a vital part of the UK ecosystem, because without it, inhabitants of the Midlands have no-one to look down on.

Huw Edwards: I’ve been doing mushrooms all morning, and I’m going to drop a tab of acid right before the broadcast starts. Otherwise this will be the most sinfully dull night of my whole life to date. No wonder bloody Dimbleby volunteered me. Bastard.

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