Apple unveil ‘U2-removal tool’ to seek out and destroy bandmembers

by philapilus

How to dismantle an atonal Bono

Following the general panic and devastation unleashed by the U2 covert weapon recently, Apple has released a new tool to help customers get rid of the troublesome band.

A ‘one-click removal button’ gives users the power – with a simple deft flick of the finger – to send Apple donations towards a fleet of deadly iDrones.

A spokesperson for the technology giant said “Once enough people have clicked and the funds are in, we will purchase and then re-brand USAF drones, paint them white, and then send them out to hunt down and blow up these enemies of the ear.”

Music-lovers said they were “delighted and relieved” by the news that there was now a patch for ridding the world of “Its most whingy perpetrator of weapons-grade pop-rock.”

U2 victim Tim Twanks said “Bono released a video, in which the terrorists claimed they had put their ‘Blood, sweat and tears’ into the Songs of Innocence device.

“I think what he meant is that he and the other millionaires left their huge houses, went to a studio for a few hours, knocked out some more of their one-dimensional rock, and then fucked off home, hoping that a huge publicity stunt would make their already comfortable lifestyles even more feather-lined.

“I haven’t worked out which bits are the blood and sweat yet, but I can well believe U2 wept when they played the recordings back to themselves.”

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