Humanity at ‘infinite monkeys stage’ as Chinese student dies jerking off

by philapilus

It’s because three out of every four sperm are destined to create morons, and the fourth is just cursed.

After the news that a Chinese student had died choking his chicken, experts have agreed that “There is now nothing you could possibly think of – no matter how ridiculous – that hasn’t happened already, or won’t happen soon, to someone somewhere in the world”.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau and his team of probability analysts at the Slough School of What The Fuck, have been closely monitoring humanity’s activities, waiting for what they called the Quadruple-M – the fabled ‘many, many monkeys moment’.

They announced today that the porn-induced heart attack suffered by a student whilst donating sperm marked the arrival of that moment.

McEyebrau said “You know the old saw about an infinite number of monkeys eventually coming up with the complete works of Shakespeare? Well, after Boris Johnson was elected Mayor of London, we realised mankind was almost at the point where absolutely every batshit mad thing imaginable has happened, is happening, or will happen.

“This poor bastard medical student’s death will go down in history as the tipping point. He will be forever remembered as the man who died wanking in a cubicle, and thus unleashing the contents of Pandora’s – slightly spermy – box onto the rest of humanity. Poor bastard.”

The Quadruple-M theory states that “because there are so many people in the world, and they are – without exception – all so fuckwitted, twisted, cruel, stupid and plain unlucky, the monkeys-coming-up-with-Shakespeare analogue doesn’t even begin to cover it.”

But the theory is not without its detractors. Q-M sceptic Rob Banks said “Children are born with four extra limbs, people turn into mass-murderers because of make-believe gods, and yes, they even die self-abusing in a sperm-bank cubicle. But that does not mean everything is now probable.

“Because no one, anywhere, EVER, is going to actually listen to the piece of shit new U2 album.”

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