Deadly U2 virus unleashed on iTunes

by philapilus

Terrorising our children for decades

Software-virus experts continue to work around the clock to try and undo the damage caused yesterday when sound-terrorists U2 unleashed their new weapon on untold numbers of innocent people.

Disguised as an album of ‘music’, the torture implement suddenly appeared, without warning, amongst the files of every iTunes user in the world.

Scotland Yard’s chief anti-terrorist expert, PC McGarry No. 452, said “People everywhere are in shock, hospitalised – many are just plain dead. We will be stepping up our campaign to eliminate U2, and we will not rest until they have been strapped into a rocket and fired into the heart of the Sun.”

Tim Twanks, an unemployed music-lover, said “We’d just woken up, and the wife was checking her iphone. She said something about a ‘nice surprise’, and a ‘new free album’. She docked her phone, and then said ‘Apparently it’s by a band called U2…?’

“That was what saved my life. If I hadn’t instinctively covered my ears and leaped behind the sofa I’d have shared her fate, and my brains would have bled out of my ears too.”

McGarry said “U2 crafted a disguise as a mediocre, but hugely successful, stadium rock band. For years they have unleashed shit ‘celtic-inspired’ sound-assaults, with whinging lyrics, and rubbish guitar riffs fed through a thousand echo pedals.

“They should be avoided at all costs. If you see them, call for the police immediately. Do not, repeat DO NOT, approach them. Especially if they have their instruments. Dear God, the carnage…”

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