Duchess of Cambridge’s foetus opposes Scottish independence

by philapilus

Very much of the opinion that Scotland needs to stay in the union.

The news that Prince William and Kate are expecting their second child has had a huge effect on the Scottish referendum question, with the No campaign claiming that “If the Scots vote for independence they will be deliberately rebelling against a helpless, unborn Royal foetus. Heartless Bastards.”

Alistair Darling said “Naturally the second-born child of the son of the heir to the British throne has a vested interest in maintaining the integrity of the United Kingdom, and does not want to see a sizeable – if truculent, uncouth and pasty – portion of the population pull away.

“The foetus is very definitely in the ‘No’ camp, and nothing that Alex ‘Fishface’ Salmond can say or do will change that. He probably wants to rip it untimely from its mother’s womb and impale it on a spike. He is such a dick. You couldn’t make it up, honestly.”

“Do you love babies? Do you love the good old Royal Family? Vote ‘NO’ on the 18th everyone.”

The ‘Yes’ campaign, which had gathered momentum hugely in the last few days and was polling as well as the pro-union campaign, has reportedly been thrown into disarray by the sudden baby-related development. 

A source close to Alex Salmond admitted the First Minister was “desperately rifling through medical records to see if any remote relatives of William Wallace, Robert Burns or even Sean Connery might also be pregnant.”

Meanwhile experts say that with the UK’s sycophantic obsession with its Royal Family, and its devotion to feuding with itself for years on end, the referendum and Kate’s foetus have made a “perfect storm of news insularity.”

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Centre for News Studies said “Oh God, it’s never going to stop. We should all get the fuck out of this country, pronto.”

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