Archive for September 8th, 2014

September 8, 2014

Britain “Completely fine with austerity if it means we’re like Downton”

by philapilus

“I will work for free if you let me touch the building – even if its only the outside”

Frances O’Grady’s attempt to rouse the British masses against rising inequality has backfired, after the TUC leader warned Britain was becoming like Downton Abbey – at which point the whole country said “Well that’s all right then!”

Unemployed builder Tim Twanks said “I’ve been fucking mad about the social unfairness and the divide between rich and poor since I lost my job. But I hadn’t twigged it was all just like it is in Downton. Now I feel quite upbeat about the whole thing.

“My daily financial misery is

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September 8, 2014

Hawking warns “angry God particle could destroy the universe”

by philapilus

“Fucking bring back Bagpuss. NOW!”

Renowned physicist and DJ Stephen Hawking has said that despite previous declarations by many in the scientific community “God does in fact exist.”

He added however that the Almighty “is a tiny, very angry particle, capable of destroying all of space and time on a vengeful whim.”

In his

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September 8, 2014

John Major storms through US Open to take 18th Grand Slam title

by philapilus

It’s even more impressive that he won without taking his jacket off

Former British Prime Minister Sir John Major said he was “Over the moon” about his victory in the US Open on Sunday, which saw him join Martina Navratilova and Chris Evert in 4th place on the list of greatest women’s singles title-winners.

He beat Caroline Wozniacki 6-3 6-3 to take victory – an impressive feat for a 71 year old ex-politician, playing against a professional tennis superstar at the top of her game.

Speaking with characteristic humility, Major said “Of course I’m

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September 8, 2014

Duchess of Cambridge’s foetus opposes Scottish independence

by philapilus

Very much of the opinion that Scotland needs to stay in the union.

The news that Prince William and Kate are expecting their second child has had a huge effect on the Scottish referendum question, with the No campaign claiming that “If the Scots vote for independence they will be deliberately rebelling against a helpless, unborn Royal foetus. Heartless Bastards.”

Alistair Darling said “Naturally the second-born child of the son of the heir to the British throne has a vested interest in maintaining the integrity of the United Kingdom, and does not want to see a sizeable – if truculent, uncouth and pasty – portion of the population pull away.

“The foetus is very definitely in the ‘No’ camp, and nothing that Alex ‘Fishface’ Salmond can say or do will

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