Greenhouse gases soar as vegetarian smugness pumps into environment

by philapilus

“Face it; I am just better than you in every way”

Scientists said greenhouse gas emissions increased alarmingly yesterday, after a report warned that rising meat consumption had negative environmental effects – leading vegetarians to give off unprecedented amounts of smug.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of The World’s Going to Shit, said “As meat consumption increases we see a corresponding rise in deforestation, cow-flatulence and thus rising greenhouse gases.

“But all of that pales into insignificance compared to the sheer enormity of self-righteous twattery that vegetarians across the UK emitted yesterday. It is terrifying. The World has gone to shit.”

Across the country, vegans and vegetarians went on and on about how right they were, crowbarring the report’s findings into every conversation, until a thick layer of smug had made the air almost unbreathable.

Children and the elderly were told to stay indoors with the windows shut, avoid vegetables, and eat a portion of emergency steak.

Vegetarian Tim Twanks said “The research linking meat-eating to greenhouse gases shows what those of us with a conscience and a higher intelligence have always known; the base humans who devour the carcasses of our animal brethren are ruining our planet!

“Live with nature, people! Expand your mind to Gaia, and embrace Mother Nature!”

But Professor McEyebrau, who was standing next to Twanks with a Smugometer, said “Christ; that statement alone was the equivalent of an area of rainforest the size of Reading disappearing in an all-engulfing firestorm.”

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